Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
It’s on my to-do list.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me trying to look natural in photos
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?