Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Sorry I made promises on Friday

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

The Book. The Movie.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL