Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You Might Also Like
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I put the p in pants.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong