Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
look scared
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.