Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
courtroom exchange of the day
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Good point.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo