lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies
Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.
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“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
—-people in wheelchairs probably
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.
He cooked 2 sausages.