Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.