@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.

You Might Also Like

@imshitimsorry

lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies

@QueefTornado

“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

—-people in wheelchairs probably

@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@canadasandra

What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@crocodilethumbs

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

@FredTaming

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

@SimplySnaccbar

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

@AzureDoo

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.