something like this could probably happen to anyone
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
forgive me baja for i have blast
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay