Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
😆this is so true
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun