“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.
Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
God: you’re a zebra.
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50