Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

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[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”


I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler


A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.


Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.


me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is


ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something


Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man


Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”


God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!


Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50