Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Can you solve the riddle??
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me