Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.