Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer