Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
You Might Also Like
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.