Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
this country is so goddamn polarized
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY