Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.