Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
You Might Also Like
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I’m confused about plants
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Maths meets science
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.