don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
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ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.