Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

People buying plungers never look happy.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.