don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Truth
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*