Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
even bears disappoint their mothers
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I just ran a .003048K
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”