Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
ouch
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.