Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Something Saturday.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.