Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.