Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank