Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The human personality is made of five key elements
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.