Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.