Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
You Might Also Like
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Terribly Tuesday.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears