Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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This is my brand.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.