Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

there has never been a better use of this meme

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.