Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The happy life.. 😊
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.