Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.