Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’d love this…lol
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.