Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
The struggle is real.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.