Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

How many? 🤔

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.