Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

I want this so bad

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

step 6: release the wall snake

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa