“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!