“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg