“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
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it’s the silliest best thing
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
#NeverForget
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
