Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

I have two kinds of followers

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly