Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.