@mishakey

Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.

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@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@MavenofHonor

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

@lilgapeach30

I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.

@Amusitr0n

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.