Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You better watch out
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person