Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

neighborhood watch

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”