Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
The best plant holders?
