Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

(Musicians.)

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Meme Monday.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes