Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Still laughing at this stupid meme

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.