Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
What my back needs
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there