As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.
Cut back on carbs by putting two hot dogs in one bun.
Her: I love One Direction
Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself
ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.