I’m not green with envy that’s just an infection.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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“mainstream” = “white people found out”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The only thing a woman wants jumping out of a cake is another cake.