@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

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@anerdonfire2

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

@Gwinifer

Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.

@Jerrypleasure

[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass

@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

@UncleDuke1969

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

@Brampersandon_

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.