@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

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@flashember

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

@omgthatspunny

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@FU_TangClan

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

@batkaren

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

@RodLacroix

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.