Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*


It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.


Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.


Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week


“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom


[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?


My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.