don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
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Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Cold.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Pizza is an emotion right?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.