don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins