Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.