I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it