Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.