Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Lassie, get help!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020