Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

I’M CRYINGGG

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.