Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.