Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.