Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!