Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Reminder:
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
only 11 steps left
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!