Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
It’s an epidemic…
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
