@emceej

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

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@StaceyShortcake

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

@Bob_Lesh

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

@OohSnapItsChris

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@ellle_em

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

@Phook75

It’s bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well

@fuzzlime

If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?

@TheAndrewNadeau

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.