Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔