Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”