Don’t forget to tip your server
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!