Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?