Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
