Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.