Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
choose your fighter
I know this now 😂
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.