Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”