Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

The hardest thing Vision has to do

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

This is Sparta

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s