Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Body by cheese-puffs.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Wise advice
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.