Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.